Tuesday, 28 June 2016

Back at Base

 So far, being on holiday was fun.

But here I was, back in the flat with Derek going crazy, and me going out of my mind.

When Ash rang me to ask to stay over: adding his parents were going away for the weekend.   Yes it meant I got away from Derek but I wouldn't be spending a lot of time with Ash, as he would be working.

However, we had a fun weekend and then the day hit I had to go.

I started dreading it, because Derek had began to try it on again, constantly, and Ash could see I no longer wanted to be there, but that I had no choice.

I went home and spent time with Lilly: only to have Derek on my case about cleaning and some other pointless things.   Well, my back was playing up so he offered me the bed and he would have the sofa.   I jumped to the chance to have a good night sleep and have cuddles with Lilly.

Well, this is where my life took a turn for the worst.

I woke to find him spooning me in bed.

Now you can imagine what happened to me, that night, but what hurt the most was having to tell Ash and my mum.

They both said I should ring the police, considering everything that has happened to me in the past, this would be the first time I called the police.

Because of his actions that night me and my little girl were homeless. I fled my home, applied for housing, and was sent to a hotel where I had to live in one room with Lilly.

My mental state took a turn for the worse and i was self harming as much as i could. It took a strain on my relationship, as well as my sleep. I was having nightmares and flashbacks.

Now I never will understand why he did it. All I know is, he is sorry.

Which doesn't take the nightmares away or bring the lost confidence back.
  

Monday, 27 June 2016

We All Fall Down But Get Back Up

So we have all been there: in a strained relationship that we no longer see a way out, but for me, I'd given up trying.   All the arguing and the fights had gotten to much, especially in front of my little girl. There were days when we were OK and got on like a house on fire then there were days we just flew off the handles.

One day, I sat Derek down and said "I just can't do this anymore."   He was angry of course, but knowing me and Lilly would be homeless agreed to let us stay.   But then, I met someone else and Derek became angry and we carried on fighting.

In a way we lost focus on what was really important.

Day by day passed, and it just got worse.

Now I am not going to sit here typing a lie, I was as much to blame as him but i have mental health issues and flashbacks to which i black out and don’t remember what I done.

Now, no man or woman should ever hit one another.

Ash began to show that I could trust men again and I was special.

Bloody hell, I had forgotten what it was like to be in a fresh relationship, just going with the flow.   We could not keep our hands off each other!

Wherever we went we had to do something even if it was in the toilets not my proudest moments but it showed me new life.   It gave me a spark that I had longed for.   But even so, I wasn’t truly happy, I longed for more and began fantasying about being dominated because he just was too sweet and that's why i loved him. 

But there was something keeping me back and that was the fact i was still living with Derek.
And I hadn't had a period for a couple of months.

I went to the doctors and they confirmed I was fourteen weeks pregnant

Now I was terrified: not only at the fact I was pregnant but I already had a child whose family was torn.

Now I know what you are thinking: who’s the daddy?
 

Ash was.

Well I was waiting for my scan date to be sent to me and on the 12th of June I rang Ash crying saying I was bleeding

Now, me being terrified of hospitals, I refused to go: but managed to get Derek to let New stay until I stopped bleeding.

We went to the hospital a couple of weeks later to be told I had lost the baby. Now?

Now, we didn't talk about it at all and we are lucky it didn't break us apart.

We had arranged to go away on holiday just the three of us, mine and Lilly’s first holiday.

I hadn’t fully got over the miscarriage, but still went for Lilly’s sake.

It was fascinating to meet the new people and see Ash do what he loves and that is to drum.

Now, I was still battling with self harm and my mental state on the holiday my arm was covered in cuts and i just found it hard to cope

Somehow, I got through it with the help of others.

The Day My Future Changed


I still remember the day i found out i was having a baby, I'd been arguing with myself for days refusing to believe i actually might be having a baby. You see a few days before I'd met my mum and sister who both said "you better not be having a baby any time soon" see i was 18 years old only been in a relationship for just over a year, my family didn't agree with it because the 7 year age gap. 

but here i was 8:00am on a Friday in the toilet crying and begging that i was just late because i didn't want to be a disappointment to my mum, i had no career, no home Jesus Christ i lived in a foyer for young adolescents plus no one knew that mine and my partner at the times relationship was on the rocks there was shouting, violence and control. 

So i looked down and it said positive, i locked my room and made my way to (lets call him Derek for identity purposes) Derek room and woke him up. his response wasn't what i hoped for he grunted and went back to sleep leaving me to panic about what we were going to do for living arrangements and money. 

As time went on our families accepted we were having a baby and we even found a new home to live in, we found out we were expecting a little girl we named lilly. 

Now like many mums I was meant to feel excited and overwhelmed by having a baby, but I felt like a robot programmed to be the best mum when I didn't i was prettified and frightened.

But as time went on my love grew for her as she began to babble, smile, talk and walk. 

Now she is three and this is where the struggles begin...