We All Fall Down But Get Back Up

So we have all been there: in a strained relationship that we no longer see a way out, but for me, I'd given up trying.   All the arguing and the fights had gotten to much, especially in front of my little girl. There were days when we were OK and got on like a house on fire then there were days we just flew off the handles.

One day, I sat Derek down and said "I just can't do this anymore."   He was angry of course, but knowing me and Chloe would be homeless agreed to let us stay.   But then, I met someone else and Derek became angry and we carried on fighting.

In a way we lost focus on what was really important.

Day by day passed, and it just got worse.

Now I am not going to sit here typing a lie, I was as much to blame as him but i have mental health issues and flashbacks to which i black out and don’t remember what I done.

Now, no man or woman should ever hit one another.

Ash began to show that I could trust men again and I was special.

Bloody hell, I had forgotten what it was like to be in a fresh relationship, just going with the flow.   We could not keep our hands off each other!

Wherever we went we had to do something even if it was in the toilets not my proudest moments but it showed me new life.   It gave me a spark that I had longed for.   But even so, I wasn’t truly happy, I longed for more and began fantasying about being dominated because he just was too sweet and that's why i loved him. 

But there was something keeping me back and that was the fact i was still living with Derek.And I hadn't had a period for a couple of months.

I went to the doctors and they confirmed I was fourteen weeks pregnant

Now I was terrified: not only at the fact I was pregnant but I already had a child whose family was torn.

Now I know what you are thinking: who’s the daddy?
 
Ash was.

Well I was waiting for my scan date to be sent to me and on the 12th of June I rang Ash crying saying I was bleeding

Now, me being terrified of hospitals, I refused to go: but managed to get Derek to let New stay until I stopped bleeding.

We went to the hospital a couple of weeks later to be told I had lost the baby. Now?

Now, we didn't talk about it at all and we are lucky it didn't break us apart.

We had arranged to go away on holiday in august just the three of us, mine and Chloe’s first holiday.

I hadn’t fully got over the miscarriage, but still went for Chloe’s sake.

It was fascinating to meet the new people and see Ash do what he loves and that is to drum.

Now, I was still battling with self harm and my mental state on the holiday my arm was covered in cuts and i just found it hard to cope

Somehow, I got through it with the help of others.